The Fragrance of Forgiveness

As we have mentioned previously in these pages, one of the hardest parts of being a pastor is seeing your family hurt by church folks under your care. And it's no good being in denial; we need to face that this kind of thing happens, and it happens to a lot of ministers - maybe it's happened to you.

Of course, we know that neither we as pastors, nor our families, are always perfect or blameless. We have to acknowledge that. WHEW! Glad that's out of the way!

But the fact is that there are certain people in many churches who will hold either you or your wife or your children to an impossible standard of behavior, appearance, speech, or acheivement. Some will expect "amazing grace" FROM you without displaying a modicum of grace TO you.

This plays out in several ways: they can actively or passively resist your leadership or initiatives in the church; they can become critical of your sermons, your choice of carpet color, your taste in music, your humor, the way your handle your staff, or your personality type - whatever helps deflect attention away from their own sin or shortcomings, or helps advance their own political agenda within the church. (Or, yes, occasionally, their criticism may have a valid basis! We have to allow for that. See Paragraph 2.)

Failing to deter you or your leadership through criticism of you, they may shift tactics and criticize your wife or children. No target seems to be off limits. If your wife is actively serving the church, there are any number of ways she can be insulted, unappreciated, resisted, subverted, or mis-characterized as some kind of manipulative power-mad Evita Peron. If your wife is called to stay at home to care for you and your children, she can be criticized as under-involved, disinterested, disconnected, unspiritual, or lazy. And heaven forbid that your children fall short in any way!

Our children, being our children, are - of course - very intelligent and observant. They pick up on this dynamic early in life, and if we do not proactively help them, they can become scarred and embittered against church people, Christianity, or even God. We must not allow that to happen. We constantly urge the people we pastor to guard against bitterness and unforgiveness but the most important people under your pastoral care are your wife and children.

How can you tell your children enough to equip them without telling them too much or cynicizing them? Stay close to them; practice the Priesthood in your home, frequently praying with them, sowing the Word of God into them, and listening to them. Wash them daily in the Scripture and in fellowship. When issues arise or hurts come, emphasize (and model) swift forgiveness towards the perpetrators.

Forgiveness, by the way, must be given whether or not the perp asks for it! That directive has come down from the One Who has extended such great forgiveness to us.

There is a redemptive beauty in forgiveness. Mark Twain put it this way: "Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." We don't forgive someone because they deserve it; we forgive because we have been forgiven by God and this is one way we testify of His goodness.

As a preventative measure, don't gossip with your family (especially about church members), and don't use your wife and kids as your dumping ground when you encounter troubles in church life. Do your best to shield and protect them from the junk that sometimes floats around "churchianty". If they do hear about an incident or an insult, be the kind of Dad that they can trust to bring it to you and know that you will hear them out, love them, and help them get free and healed. Be slow to anger, and if you do get angry, don't sin. Show them through your actions what it means to not be easily offended.

Remember, sometimes the deepest hurts our kids can feel is when they see us get hurt. Be strong yourself, be quick to forgive, and make sure you have someone who can wash and heal you. Don't let your kids hold onto the hurts that you have experienced. Don't condemn them when they get angry at people who hurt you; it's natural for them to feel that. Just don't let them live in that place.

Whatever happens to the church we pastor, we need to protect our families. Of course, if sin is present in your life or your wife or your children, part of protection is recognizing it, confronting it, repenting of it, and being washed of it. We don't want bitterness to come into our homes.

Author Terry Brooks said: "Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost." We do not want to lose our way. But if we do, let us look to the Father Who loves us and is able to bring us back home.

There is a time and place to confront people who constantly injure your wife and children. If your wife or children are unable to directly confront their tormentors (which is often the case in church life), you may need to go to those individuals and ask, "WHAT IS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM?!?!" No, wait, maybe not quite like that! But you can practice the principles in Matthew 18 of confrontation. Whatever you do, then do it in prayer and if possible, in counsel with your own pastor or mentor. (You do have one, don't you?)

Hopefully, you also have the kind of friends and staff in your church who can help to watch your back. If you do, ask them to also provide constant prayer cover for you and your children. The paradigm needs to shift in many churches so that members know that they cannot profess to love their pastor while pooping on his family. And it's tough for you to say that; unhelpful for you to be the only one saying it. Reinforcement from others besides you is a good thing. (HEY! Tell all your family, staff, church members, and friends to read the wise sayings of Reverend X, why don'tcha?)

Constantly remind your children of the many wonderful friends and faithful followers of Christ who are in your church. Speak well of your church and The Church universal. Show them examples of great Christians in your community or in history who held onto faith - and allowed faith to hold onto them. Let them know that it is possible to rise above the challenges and even the criticism through God's help. Always encourage them to fix their eyes on Jesus!

Bottom line: stay clean, keep your family clean. Church life is a great blessing, but not always neat. Wounds can and will come, but our hope is in the One who calls us to forgive others, even as we have been forgiven.

FOLLOW ON TWITTER: REALReverendX

Lift Your Vision

In "Pilgrim's Progress" by John Bunyan, we meet many interesting characters, including the man with the muckrake, who was so focused on cleaning up a mess that he missed seeing a valuable treasure. Church can be like that sometimes, especially for pastors. It seems we have to spend far too much time cleaning up the messes of others, when what we really want to do is to get about the mission of proclaming and demonstrating the Good News of the Gospel.

If we're not careful, we began to focus so much on the mess that we can lose sight of the mission, and miss seeing the God of the mission. Don't obsess on the mess. Sure, there are always problems to deal with, and sometimes there are "problem people" who seem to take delight in making trouble.

However, we must not forget the "hope of our calling" and the One who has given it. We need to be refreshed in the Father's love, and in His love for His people. We must not let a few troublemakers define the flock for us in our hearts and minds. Most of the people in our congregations are wonderful people who love God and love His servants. We cannot let our anger or frustrations with a few cause us to lose sight of that.

The temptation is to either lash out in hot anger and colorful expletives or to retreat into a fetal position of failure and depression. Neither option is particularly good.

It's easy to focus on the troublemakers, and there is a time to confront them and clean up their messes. But we need to ask God for grace to keep our focus on Him and on the fruitful people in our midst - the people who will blossom if we will give them attention, encouragement, and inspiration. Maybe it's time to lift your vision to see the One Who has promised to give us abundant grace, wisdom, and provision. You have more allies than you might think!

I'm having to re-learn that this week after God gave me an attitude adjustment yesterday. I was starting to obsess over a few "stiff-necked" folk and forgetting about the great friends that I have standing beside me - the ones who pray for my family and I, who love us unconditionally, and who have stood with us in the midst of the fire...and the ones who are just starting to bloom.

It's an ongoing battle in my heart and mind - a battle for my focus, and a great test in terms of my leadership and discernment.

Pray for me, and I'll pray for you.

- Rev X

Twitter Will Never be the Same

Reverend X has joined the Twitter Revolution! Tweet all about it. I know, I'm a couple of years behind the times, but at least I'm not on MySpace! Of course, many will ask, "Can a Facebook page be far behind?"

You can follow me on Twitter at: http://twitter.com/REALReverendX. This will distinguish me from all of the faux Reverend X characters out there and certifies that I am a genuine pseudonym for a real person who is not named "Reverend X." Got it?

And, I want to apologize to my loyal readers for the slow pace of my blogging. I will do my best to step up the pace a bit. The truth is, it's been a pretty hard year for my family and I thus far, and this has slowed me down in a lot of areas. But, as T.D. Jakes says, "The greater the pressure, the greater the treasure." Perhaps all of the hardships will give me more insight to write.

Is it possible to always "keep the faith" when times are tough? I don't know. But I'm really thankful that the faith has kept me! I love the lyric from "In Christ Alone" by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend which says:

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand!

When we don't have anything else, Jesus is more than enough! I pray that whoever you are, and wherever you are, you will find strength and encouragement in Him to do what He has called you to do.

Surviving the Church

I thank God for His calling on my life. The call to care for and disciple His people is a high and worthy calling. I imagine most pastors believe this.

But why is it that so many pastors and their families are depressed? Recently, I heard a statistic that suggested that more than 33% of all pastors are either clinically depressed, or are recovering from depression.

The divorce rate among families in ministry is surprisingly high, and everybody "knows" (or opines) that "Preacher's Kids" are the worst-behaved in any church. What's wrong with this picture?

I've been in ministry for the better part of three decades, and I have other family members in full-time pastoral ministry also. We've all had to battle through some of these difficult dynamics over the years. And, I wish I could say I had personally overcome all obstacles and have broken into the "sunshine of my ministry" phase of life.

The fact is, some days are better than others, and like anybody else, I have to sometimes fight to find encouragement or motivation to keep going. I've had friends in ministry who have lost their faith, lost their way, lost their family ... some have died young and brokenhearted. I am praying for grace to stay the course, and to be more than just a survivor - I want to have more joy in what I do.

It hurts deeply when you see your wife cry or your child cry because someone in the church - ostensibly a person you are supposed to be caring for - has treated them badly. There are times when you can and must confront people in your church, but any pastor who has done so recognizes that these confrontations are not often easy.

And if you constantly have to confront people in the church about the dumb or cruel things they say or do to your own family, what does that mean? I know that my family and I are far from perfect, but I also know the sincerity of heart, faithfulness of effort, fervency of prayer, and depth of love that we put forth.

When a church member is "jealous" of their pastor's wife or child, or seeks to get at the pastor by belittling his family, it creates a nasty situation. People think that pastors are constrained in their responses, and therefore people can act badly with impugnity.

No wonder so many pastors get weary or feel hopeless; no wonder marriages in ministry become frayed; no wonder so many pastor's kids want nothing to do with church.

I am so thankful for a patient and loving wife and a child whose love for God, His Kingdom, and His Church transcends the poor attidudes of a few of His people. We want the people under our care to be blessed, to have a "successful" ministry and a vibrant church ... but not at the expense of our family.

By His grace, I will not walk away from His flock. By His call and His Spirit, I will be a good shepherd and not a hireling; and a good husband and father as well.

Meet Reverend X

Thanks for stopping by. My name is Reverend X. This, of course, is not my real name, which you have no doubt deduced by now.

Contrary to what you might think, I am not an "ex-Reverend," a Reverend's ex, nor am I a member of XXX Church. Since the name "Anonymous Reverend" seems to already be in use across the great worldwide web, I have taken my pen name from that great spiritual cartoon character, Racer X, from "Speed Racer".

I can tell you that I am currently a Christian church pastor and I live in North America. If I tell you any other details, I might have to ... well, not kill you, of course, but threaten you in some other way, like inflict a paper cut on you. And since you can't get paper cuts from the internet, I think I'll just stick to remaining anonymous for now for your protection and mine.

Why, you might ask, would any pastor want to remain anonymous? Why, you might ask again, would a supposedly God-fearing chap want to "hide your light under a bushel basket" or some such notion? Since I am anonymous, I have no fear of your questions and am happy to answer them, in the order that you conceivably might have asked them.

Many pastors, rightly or wrongly, believe that the people for whom they care simply could not handle it if they knew what their pastor really thought, felt, believed, or experienced as a human being. There could be weeping, gnashing of teeth, loss of faith, torches, pitchforks, and general ugliness.

Many parishoners (which, oddly enough, is not what you call fans of Robert Parish) do not really want their pastors, ministers, bishops, priests, clergymen, and overall folk of the cloth to have any human frailties. The ideal pastor should be continually encouraging, tenderly sympathetic, all-wise, all-knowing, all-present, self-supporting, and available 25/8/366.

Pastors are also expected to refrain from cussing, uh ... dang it!

Can you imagine living under the weight of those expectations for yourself, or for your family? If you are a pastor, you can not only imagine it, but you have likely experienced it. There are, after all, understandable reasons why more than 30% of all ministers in America are either currently in clinical depression or are recovering from it. Statistics are not readily available for the wives and children of pastors, but the anectdotal evidence is grim.

This blog, is therefore dedicated to being a place of encouragement, identification, venting, and redemptive healing for people in ministry; and also, hopefully, a place where individuals of all backgrounds can see into a window of one pastor's life with all of its joys and pains, successes and disappointments and to become a better friend and ally to those who care for all God's children.

Finally, this is one place to hear the perspective of a simple sinner saved by grace who is daily working out his salvation with "fear and trembling" just like anybody else

I'll try to keep it as real as I can ... as real as I can be while hiding behind a pen name. I do reserve the right to change names, dates, places, and hair styles in order to protect the innocent. Or myself, LOL!