As we have mentioned previously in these pages, one of the hardest parts of being a pastor is seeing your family hurt by church folks under your care. And it's no good being in denial; we need to face that this kind of thing happens, and it happens to a lot of ministers - maybe it's happened to you.
Of course, we know that neither we as pastors, nor our families, are always perfect or blameless. We have to acknowledge that. WHEW! Glad that's out of the way!
But the fact is that there are certain people in many churches who will hold either you or your wife or your children to an impossible standard of behavior, appearance, speech, or acheivement. Some will expect "amazing grace" FROM you without displaying a modicum of grace TO you.
This plays out in several ways: they can actively or passively resist your leadership or initiatives in the church; they can become critical of your sermons, your choice of carpet color, your taste in music, your humor, the way your handle your staff, or your personality type - whatever helps deflect attention away from their own sin or shortcomings, or helps advance their own political agenda within the church. (Or, yes, occasionally, their criticism may have a valid basis! We have to allow for that. See Paragraph 2.)
Failing to deter you or your leadership through criticism of you, they may shift tactics and criticize your wife or children. No target seems to be off limits. If your wife is actively serving the church, there are any number of ways she can be insulted, unappreciated, resisted, subverted, or mis-characterized as some kind of manipulative power-mad Evita Peron. If your wife is called to stay at home to care for you and your children, she can be criticized as under-involved, disinterested, disconnected, unspiritual, or lazy. And heaven forbid that your children fall short in any way!
Our children, being our children, are - of course - very intelligent and observant. They pick up on this dynamic early in life, and if we do not proactively help them, they can become scarred and embittered against church people, Christianity, or even God. We must not allow that to happen. We constantly urge the people we pastor to guard against bitterness and unforgiveness but the most important people under your pastoral care are your wife and children.
How can you tell your children enough to equip them without telling them too much or cynicizing them? Stay close to them; practice the Priesthood in your home, frequently praying with them, sowing the Word of God into them, and listening to them. Wash them daily in the Scripture and in fellowship. When issues arise or hurts come, emphasize (and model) swift forgiveness towards the perpetrators.
Forgiveness, by the way, must be given whether or not the perp asks for it! That directive has come down from the One Who has extended such great forgiveness to us.
There is a redemptive beauty in forgiveness. Mark Twain put it this way: "Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." We don't forgive someone because they deserve it; we forgive because we have been forgiven by God and this is one way we testify of His goodness.
As a preventative measure, don't gossip with your family (especially about church members), and don't use your wife and kids as your dumping ground when you encounter troubles in church life. Do your best to shield and protect them from the junk that sometimes floats around "churchianty". If they do hear about an incident or an insult, be the kind of Dad that they can trust to bring it to you and know that you will hear them out, love them, and help them get free and healed. Be slow to anger, and if you do get angry, don't sin. Show them through your actions what it means to not be easily offended.
Remember, sometimes the deepest hurts our kids can feel is when they see us get hurt. Be strong yourself, be quick to forgive, and make sure you have someone who can wash and heal you. Don't let your kids hold onto the hurts that you have experienced. Don't condemn them when they get angry at people who hurt you; it's natural for them to feel that. Just don't let them live in that place.
Whatever happens to the church we pastor, we need to protect our families. Of course, if sin is present in your life or your wife or your children, part of protection is recognizing it, confronting it, repenting of it, and being washed of it. We don't want bitterness to come into our homes.
Author Terry Brooks said: "Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost." We do not want to lose our way. But if we do, let us look to the Father Who loves us and is able to bring us back home.
There is a time and place to confront people who constantly injure your wife and children. If your wife or children are unable to directly confront their tormentors (which is often the case in church life), you may need to go to those individuals and ask, "WHAT IS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM?!?!" No, wait, maybe not quite like that! But you can practice the principles in Matthew 18 of confrontation. Whatever you do, then do it in prayer and if possible, in counsel with your own pastor or mentor. (You do have one, don't you?)
Hopefully, you also have the kind of friends and staff in your church who can help to watch your back. If you do, ask them to also provide constant prayer cover for you and your children. The paradigm needs to shift in many churches so that members know that they cannot profess to love their pastor while pooping on his family. And it's tough for you to say that; unhelpful for you to be the only one saying it. Reinforcement from others besides you is a good thing. (HEY! Tell all your family, staff, church members, and friends to read the wise sayings of Reverend X, why don'tcha?)
Constantly remind your children of the many wonderful friends and faithful followers of Christ who are in your church. Speak well of your church and The Church universal. Show them examples of great Christians in your community or in history who held onto faith - and allowed faith to hold onto them. Let them know that it is possible to rise above the challenges and even the criticism through God's help. Always encourage them to fix their eyes on Jesus!
Bottom line: stay clean, keep your family clean. Church life is a great blessing, but not always neat. Wounds can and will come, but our hope is in the One who calls us to forgive others, even as we have been forgiven.
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